Preparing for skiing
Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boo... |
Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. ... |
The morning after
Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall
the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the
bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some
coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what h... |
The Cremation
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next
to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.
"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I
am."
"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't
you say?" |
Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking u...
Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.
10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I j... |
FBI Agent for Hire
3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I ca... |
Blonde on Horseback
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, ... |
The pop machine.
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached... |
Two Rednecks
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers... |
The Unhappy Nun
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them ... |
The Gay in the Bar
A gay guy walks into a bar and says "bartender give me a brewskie."
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
The gay continues, "I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything."
The bartender says, "Well, all right!" and pours a beer.
A while later a cowbo... |
The pop machine.
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached... |
Two Rednecks
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers... |
The Unhappy Nun
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them ... |
The Gay in the Bar
A gay guy walks into a bar and says "bartender give me a brewskie."
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
The gay continues, "I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything."
The bartender says, "Well, all right!" and pours a beer.
A while later a cowbo... |
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